


Queen Of Mean

by orphan_account



Category: LazyTown
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, It's a age swap AU!, Multi, Sportarobbie but not really, Trixanie if you squin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 22:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10423524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Welcome to Lazytown, a place where you'll want to stay.You'll meet Trixie with her wicked plansAnd Stephanie saving the day!Sporti is new in townAnd soon he and Robbie are friendsWith Milford and Bessie tooThere gonna have fun together!Go go go here in LazytownTomorrow's a brand new dayThings are age swapped here in LazytownThe next chapter's like a week away!----Based on @looneyllama.tumblr.com 's AU idea (Plus I was already working on it but they did artwork, so credit goes there)





	1. Feh, who needs friends?

Queen Of Mean

“What the hell is that damn noise?!” Trixie shouted up to the ceiling in response to being woken up by terribly loud music coming from her speakers. She bolted out of her fluffy red chair and winced as her joints all popped, rubbing her back she called down her spyglass and looked for the source of the noise.

“Just as I thought!” She declared as she spotted the towns four signature brats playing and dancing around a small blue jukebox in the sport field. Dancing with them was the town hero, Stephanie, a energetic pink blur as she busted a move. Trixie grimaced as the dance party was broken up for a snack break. 

“ECH! Pears! Terrible fruits! This is what I woke up for at…” She checked the clock. “2pm?!? Perposterous! Well, it’s only fair I ruin their day in some fashion!” Her smile widened as she looked back towards the kids for any ideas. One of the adults had gotten into trouble, probably Pixel, overloading a computer to the melting point again. All of the kids were lounging while waiting for their hero to come back. 

Trixie spotted the round dark haired boy and blue braided girl sitting on a bench eating the nasty pears. The girl bit into hers and got a mouth full of brown mush. Loudly and verbally expressing her displeasure, her shouts could be heard from inside the lair.

“Ew Ew Ew Ew EWWWWW!! Fruit mush! Icky!” Spitting out her fruit she observes it better to see it’s gone way bad. Seeing this as well, the round boy split his pear in half and offered it to her, smiling goofily.

“Here Bessie, we can share!”

“Aw! Thanks Millie!” Bessie said happily, taking the half eagerly, she gently pecked Milford on the cheek and munched on the fruit. Meanwhile Milford had turned an impressive shade of crimson, trying to nonchalantly shove his half in his mouth. Trixie snickered at the dumb crush he so obviously had and how Bessie was using it to her advantage.

She focused her attention to the other two, who were farther away messing around with a bicycle, she brought her spyglass closer to see what exactly they were doing. The new kid was trying to teach the taller boy how to ride a bike, the later wearing an awkward blue helmet which was just a bit too small. The shorter, bluer child had his hands on his back and was pushing him slightly.

“You can do it Robbie! Just focus on holding the bars still and move your feet like walking!” He encouraged, pushing slightly harder, the taller boy was wiggling so hard on the bike he was kind of impressed he hadn’t fallen off yet. Shaky breaths could probably be heard from the bench where the other two were sitting, but they ignored it for the sake of his dignity.

“A-are you sure Sporti? I’ve never ridden a bike before.” Not risking to look back at his friend as he realized he was moving much faster towards the bottom of the hill, a quickly distancing shout of “You’re doing great!” Was heard before he zoomed past a suspicious pair of dark green plastic eyes and promptly crashed into a tree.

“OH MY!” The other three kids ran to Robbie’s aid and Trixie stepped away from the spyglass to think. All these kids are such good friends. Surely I could mess it up somehow! Maybe… That new kid has to go! Bringing that ridiculous health nut to town and then getting my hard work erased! But how…

Her speakers came in to the rescue as someone loudly exclaimed “I wish I could be a better friend to Sporti.” The gears started shifting in Trixie’s mind as a plan formed, if the purple boy wanted friendship advice, she was going to give the best advice she knew. Terrible advice!

“Oh perfect! Now I just need a good persona!” Pulling a fake moustache out of thin air she applied it onto her face and tied her hair back into a low ponytail. Slipping into a trench coat she hauled out a cardboard stand with a poorly written note on it that said Free Advice!. Snickering she brought her plan full circle as she set it up and sat down right in the path of the lanky boy.

“Advice? For free!” He exclaimed eagerly, rushing forward towards the stand and sitting down on the small stool. Trixie cleared her throat and asked in her deepest voice;

“What advice can I give you boy?” He looked sheepish for a moment before straightening his shoulders and looking Trixe in the eyes with sudden assertiveness.

“I need some friendship advice. Good advice, on how to be a better friend.”

“Well my boy! YOu’ve come to the right place! For that is the best advice I have! AND! I’ll tell you all I know on the subject of being a better friend in song!” She smiled as the keys of a piano could be heard steadily getting louder in the background accompanied by a soft strumming of an electric guitar. Clearing her throat and grasping Robbie by the shoulders she burst into song, dropping the fake voice to sing normally.

“It’s unusual for friends to get along as well as yours do  
Real friends don’t keep secrets, or hold anything back  
They let everything the like about their friends be known  
AAAAAANNNNNDDDD eve-ry-thing they hate.”

“Everything they hate?! About their friends?!”

“SHHHHH! Don’t interrupt me!”

“Yes every little thing that bothers you!  
From the way they look to the things they dooooooooooo!  
Their voices to their hair, their favourite books and TV shows  
Every little thing let them know!

True friends share opinions!  
People like me do!  
Completely open on what we hate about each other  
We know everything we say is true!

So real friends slightly hate one another  
But if they get angry  
At your brutal honesty  
Then it was never meant to be!

Yes this is how friends work my dear  
Glad you came here for advice  
For if you hadn’t you could have lost your friends!  
Oh what a fear!” She finished, smirking at Robbie’s dumbfounded face at the song, basking in the admiration of a young child. Finally Trixie straightened her back and shooed him away.

“Now go! Go strengthen your friendships!” 

“Thank you mister!” He shouted back as he rushed towards the sport fields to try out the new advice he just got. His friends had been waiting for him to come back after he ran off in embarrassment.

“Robbie! Your’e back! Don’t worry about the helmet, I’ve got another one in my room.” Ithro reassured him, nodding towards the trash can now harbouring a squished blue blob. Robbie cleared his throat and quickly scanned his best friend for anything in particular he didn’t really like.

Maybe his smile? No, not that, to cheery to insult. His hat? Yes! His hat!

“Hey Sporti!”

“Yes?” He hummed, turning to face Robbie, his smile bright as always. He hesitated at the cheeriness, but swore to continue through with the advice.

“I don’t like your hat!” There, done it! Truth out there! Friendship strengthened! But why did he look so sad? Ithro had put a small hand up to his favourite blue hat, a gift from his Pabbi, he couldn’t understand why Robbie would say that. Bessie was being uncharacteristically quiet while watching the scene unravel. Feeling bad for Sporti she piped up while pointing a finger at Robbie.

“Well I don’t like your hair!”

“What’s wrong with my hair?” he asked, slightly offended, even though he knew this was what friends do. Right?

“I don’t know! It always has to much gel in it!”

“Well.” He quickly looked the older girl over. “I think your voice is too squeaky! Like a mouse!” the gasp of pure betrayal was so very satisfactory for the hidden adult in the bushes near them. Trixie was thoroughly enjoying the shouting match going on. It got even better when the blue haired girl turned to Milford and gave him a pouty look.

“Millie, help me out here?” But of course the young boy didn’t have a single mean bone in his body and thinking of being mean on behalf of one of his friends to one of his other friends caused him to simply burst into tears. The sudden sadness made Robbie frown, confused as to why his friends were taking this apparently common friendship ritual so poorly. Sudden fear made his face contort as he recalled a part of the mystery man’s song.

“But if they get angry, At your brutal honesty, Then it was never meant to be.” He muttered under his breath, the others didn’t hear him as Sporti was too enthralled in holding back tears and Bessie was trying desperately to calm down Milford. 

Meanwhile, across town, Stephanie was fanning a smoking Pixel, who was currently covered head to toe in soot and smelled of hot metal. Turns out he had Really overheated his main computer and it caught fire, and it blew up suddenly as Stephanie burst into the building. Extinguishing the fire was easy, it was prying the technophile from his computers she considered a challenge. Making sure he was okay and not terribly hurt, she left as her crystal buzzed to alert her someone was in trouble.

“Must be one of the kids! Wonder what happened.” She said to herself as she quickly hurdled herself over a wall to narrowly miss a bush that she could’ve sworn swore at her, must not have drunken enough water. She jogged into the sports field to hear the fight start, a shouting match had erupted with Robbie shouting profanity at Bessie while she insulted anything and everything about him. Sporti and Milford were trying in vain to pry one off the other and getting slapped away as the two got ready to make the fight physical.

“WOAH WOAH WOAH! What’s going on here!?” Stephanie shouted over the bickering, pulling the children apart forcefully and standing between them, hands out in a calm and concerned manner. The four kids all started talking at the same time, she barely managed to catch anything they were saying.

“Robbie hurt… She said it was… They made Milford cry… I’m sorry we couldn’t break up the fight…” 

“Okay, Sporti, tell me what happened, starting from when I left.” 

“Okay… Well, I was trying to teach Robbie how to ride a bike and he went really fast down the hill and hit that tree over there, then we all helped him up and thanked us before running off. It was like five minutes later and I heard a musical number happening and then Robbie came back and said he didn’t like my hat, then he said Bessie’s voice was squeaky like the mouse.” Bessie and Milford nodded along to the story and Robbie had started inching away little by little, not knowing how to properly handle the confrontation. 

“Where are you going String Bean?” Bessie shouted at him, noticing he was trying to leave, the insult coming from nowhere as she was still fuming about the fight. He had pulled on her braids. His face dipped further into a frown as he broke into a sprint away from what he thought was a problem that was going to get violent fast.

“If they catch him, then they’ll figure out my plot!” Trixie realized from her bush, panic rising in her voice as she sneakily jumped out of her hiding spot and bolted the other way around the wall to catch to lanky boy first. But of course the trained health nut was faster, meaning she had to dive behind the conveniently placed mailbox. Just within earshot of the conversation.

“Robbie! Robbie look at me! What is wrong? Why are you acting like this?” She had a firm grip on his shoulders and he was thrashing around with tears in his eyes.

“P-please let go.” Stephanie softened her grip on his shoulders and instead settled on gently putting them on his arms, just enough to be able to hold him if he bolted again.

“Robbie, please tell me whats going on.” She pleaded a bit, pouring as much sincerity into her words as she could muster. Robbie bit his lip and kept diverting his eyes and mumbled something inaudible under his breath. “Sorry what was that?”

“I wanted to know how to be a better friend to Sporti so I saw this guy with an advice booth and he sung a song with a lady’s voice about how friends are mean to each other and if they got mad at the insults then you shouldn’t be friends with them and and…” He trailed off, his storytelling breaking into sobs and he wrapped his arms around the hero’s torso for a comforting hug. Stephanie let him cry into her shoulder and waited till she was sure he was done to pull away.

“Robbie, I’ll tell you this now. Friends trust one another, and you know you can tell them anything, a bit of criticism occasionally, but no insults please. Okay?” He nodded and sipped his nose on his sleeve, leaving a pretty gross trail of snot of his turtleneck. “Do you want to go and apologize to your friends?” Robbie nodded again and slowly shuffled back to the sports field.

“Now where is that musical man he was talking about?” She asked out loud, looking around the area for anyone new to Lazytown she could see. Seeing no one she started jogging around to see if she could find the mystery man spreading lies about friendship. Trixie, in a panic, realized she was still wearing her disguise from earlier. Really not wanting to get lectured by the hero, she ran away from her hiding spot, attempting to shed the costume in the process.

“Hey! There he goes! Stephanie that’s the guy!” She heard behind her, turning at an awkward angle she saw the five people running towards her stop and the children all pointed at the fake moustache peeling off.

“TRIXIE TROUBLE!?!?!?!?” They exclaimed, Robbie a bit more angrily than the others.

“Yeah yeah, shout all you want, It’s been a long day I’m going to bed!” Trixie stated to walk away but felt a strong hand grab her shoulder, and it spun her around until she was facing the group again, pouting. Stephanie was the one holding her (No surprise there, the kids had no muscles in their arms) and looked at her sternly.

“Trixe, why would you lie to Robbie about how friends act to each other?”

“Because, that’s how all my friends act to me, so I wasn’t really lying.” She declared matter-of-factly. The expressions on everyones faces shifted to ones of concern. Realizing she slipped up and shared something personal, She coughed to cover up her nervousness and shook off Stephanie’s hand.

“SYKE!” She shouted behind her as she ran off, everyone to shocked to go after her as she sped back to her lair. Once comfortably back in her everyday clothes and relaxed in her chair, she finally let loose the shaky sad breath that almost sounded like a sob. But she would never admit it, feelings were for chumps, and Trixie Trouble is nobody’s chump.


	2. Chapter 2; Welcome to adulthood, no kids allowed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rewrite of Little Sportacus to fit this AU
> 
> I'm also sorry about the wait

Trixie sulked back into town, it being a school day she attempted to flood the playground so they could stay inside and be quiet, but just ended up soaking herself and all of Lazytown’s residents. She did flood something though, Ziggy’s house and Stephanie’s mobile home. The latter of which floated so far it was almost in the next town over, so the hero was out of commission as she went to collect her house.

She groaned out loud to herself to see that her lair didn’t escape her flooding as most of her inventions were floating a few inches off the floor and sparks were flying from her ceiling. “If that damn blue child had left the hose alone, my plan would have worked perfectly and I wouldn’t have to spend my afternoon bucketing water out of here!” She moaned to herself as she splashed through the knee high water to fetch a bucket.

“That boy has to go.” Trixie concluded, thinking about all the other schemes he and his friends ruined, they all worked before he got here and brought long that damn pink health nut. Of course, their friendship kept them together. She never had that chance, the second they all reached adulthood they left her behind to pursue their dreams, how she couldn’t wait for this to happen to them. “Maybe then I’ll get some sleep.”

Fate then took that moment to make some metal debris float where she was about to step, sending her cascading downwards and splashing a bucket worth of water on her face, the bucket then landed on her head. Screaming in frustration, she thrashed around in the water, soaking wet and miserable. She spent three hours reducing the water level in her home, grimacing at the people above ground’s angry stares at her when she came up to dump the bucket. It was well past midnight once she was done, Trixie slinked onto her wet and matted red chair, which she would have to bring to the surface to dry to prevent mold.

Trixie fell into a restless sleep in which she dreamed of everyone in town growing old and she stayed young, watching as one by one the kids grew up and moved away for college, the adults’s bones began to creak and hair grow grey, Stephanie could no longer flip, Pixel lost track of the latest technology. She attempted to cling to them then their memories, until it was just her once more. She woke and promptly ignored the feeling of dread and instead focused on the brilliant idea her dream gave her.

“If one of those kids grows old, then they’ll have to leave! But who would it be…” She thought out loud, recalling the incidents of yesterday. A wicked smile creeped onto her face as she looked around for the right machine parts, one’s that weren’t ruined beyond repair from the flood. Picking out a fishing rod she hadn’t used in years and a partially broken umbrella from a pile of rubble she had set aside, she huffed.

“These’ll have to do for now.” She announced before smashing the two of them together, more sparks and the sound of groaning metal echoed around her moist lair. It took her approximately 15 minutes to complete her invention, she grinned mischievously. “Now to test this out!” Spotting a rogue egg from her previous breakfast, she aimed the strange dangling device at it and fired, in the place of the egg sat a very old and confused bird.

“IT WORKS!!!” Trixie exclaimed, her voice echoing off the high walls, she turned the dial on the machine to +20 years. A nine year old would become a 29 year old! She peered through her eyeglass quickly to see if her target was out and about, and just her luck! Sporti was messing around above ground doing… Well Trixie wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing, but he was doing something! The villain made her way above ground with her contraption and hid in a nearby bush, waiting for the child to settle beneath the mechanism.

After about twenty minutes Sporti finally walked underneath the Growth Ray and Trixie eagerly fired. The child quickly morphed into a adult with the sound of ripped clothing. Giddy with her successfulness, Trixie, still disguised in the bush, went back home for a nap. 

——————————

Meanwhile, a 29 year old Sporti was freaking out while half naked. Standing in front of the park, he tired to walk forward and see if he could find anyone, ad ends up falling over, not yet having mastered this bigger body. Taking off the shirt that was wayyyyy to tight, he looked around for anyone to help him with this sudden debacle.

Spotting the candy maker’s signature blond hair from just above the nearest wall, Sporti enthusiastically jumped up to gain his attention.

“ZIGGY!! Ziggy over here!” The man in question stopped and peered over the mountain of boxes he carried in his arms to see the half naked stranger flailing their arms in the middle of the park. Quickly concluding that the stranger was probably crazy, he avoided his gaze and started walking faster. But the shouts fly got louder and more frequent as the man ran up to him.

“Do I know you?” Ziggy asked, eyeing the taller man over the box of icing sugar. 

“Yeah! It’s me! I’m Sporti! You know, the little blond kid that plays all the time with the other three kids? I always refuse your candy because sugar can kill me?” 

“Uhuh, and I’m the MuffinMan. Sporti is a little kid, like nine years old. You sir look early thirties. I know a lot of people think i’m naïve, dumb even, but honestly? This is insulting.” He said, adjusting his grip on the boxes to gesture at the scantily clad man. His face fell when he saw the hurt in the taller man’s eyes, squinting to get a better luck, he used a old trick his mother taught him to seek truth out of the eyes.

Honesty.

“Oh hell Sporti what the hell what the hell your older than me what the hell?!?” He nearly dropped his boxes in shock. “Oh HELL come on we need to get you some clothes go to my shop Jesus.” Sporti nodded and rushed off to the candy shop, a yellow building almost indistinguishable from the others if it weren’t for the large comic pastel candies on the roof, Ziggy awkwardly waddling after him.

Setting down his boxes, he fetched Sporti some of his own spare clothes, which barely fit his form, luckily, Ziggy was a pretty round man, so his hoodie and sweatpants fit the other just enough. Setting a glass of water down for Sporti, Ziggy got himself a cup of Sprite and downed it in one gulp, pinching the bridge of his nose, he gestured to the other adult child.

“So, how exactly did this happen?”

“Well, it was twenty minutes before I saw you, I was a normal nine year old until I was doing jumping jacks by the high wall. When suddenly, I’m an adult!” Ziggy scrunched his eyes up and put a hand up to his forehead.

“You know what? I’ve had a long day and I’m not the best at thinking. How ‘bout you go wait in the park, play some basketball or whatever, and I’ll go get Pixel, he’l probably be able to make sense of the situation.” Sporti nodded along to what he was saying, not sensing the undertones of the phrases. He followed the genuine adult outside and waved when he began walking towards the house nearly bending over with the weight of all the satellites.

“And don’t tell anyone what’s going on. We don’t want anyone freaking out on us.” and Ziggy was gone. Sporti turned around and made his was back to the park, picking up a stray basketball and dribbling it in a testing manner. Turns out he still isn’t used to this larger body, as he dropped the ball repeatedly and made plenty of airballs, missing the net by a mile. On one particularly bad throw, the ball sailed over a neighbouring wall and apparently hit someone on the other side.

“Ow!” Exclaimed the mystery person, who’s identity wasn’t secret for long. Stephanie walked around the tall wall with the ball under her arm, rubbing a red spot on her head. She walked towards him and handed back the ball. “I see your’e struggling a bit, want some pointers?” She asked, and Sporti bit back a “But you already know me! I already know how to play anyway!” and instead nodded.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in Lazytown before, you new here?” 

“Erhm, Yes! My name is Sporti-“ he stopped himself, holding his toughest for a second before spitting out “Acus. My name is Sportacus.”

“Sportacus?” Stephanie asked skeptically, but ended up shrugging it off for now to teach him how to play basket.

(I cheated here a bit and just put the lyrics to the actual lazytown song from the episode)

“Time to play  
Let your body move  
Let's shoot some hoops  
You're rockin' steady  
Stand up straight  
Focus on the goal  
You're on a roll  
And now you're ready to play  
It's time to bring your game  
Time to take your aim  
And make it all the way  
If you always give a little more  
Shoot and score  
And don't stop trying  
Then you'll be  
The best that you can be  
I guarantee  
That you'll be flying  
Don't stop now  
You know what to do  
It's up to you  
'Cause now you're going to play  
You're really in the zone  
It's time to start the show  
And take it all the way  
If you always give a little more  
Shoot and score  
And don't stop trying  
Then you'll be  
The best that you can be  
I guarantee  
That you'll be flying”

By the end of the song Sportacus was jumping and flipping to get the ball in the hoop, as Stephanie watched from the sidelines with crossed arms and a smug smile. As he landed with a triumphant thud he caught the rebound and turned proudly towards the pink clad hero. She merely shook her head in amusement and gestured towards him.

“Sporti how did you end up like this?” Sporti’s face drained of all colour as he sputtered, trying to come up with some sort of explanation. His silence was answer enough though as Stephanie walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, we’ll fix it.” She smiled as Ziggy turned the corner and froze, pointing at the pink clad hero he asked Sporti;

“So, does she know?” A nod from both of them. “Well, I guess everybody knows by now.” He said pointing behind him to the mayor steering Pixel away from hitting the walls as he was more engrossed in the screen on his arm than the world around him. And behind those two were the three other kids, Bessie and Milford were simply waiting for Robbie to join them but he was in the middle of a early morning lesson from Pixel.

Pixel finally looked up from his device and took note of his surroundings, scanning the area with his eyes his points over to one of the tallest walls in the park and the pile of red and orange leaves beneath it.

“According to the video footage I’ve been revising, Sporti turned into an adult over there at approximately eight thirty this morning, or about two hours ago.” He checked his screen again to let the others start piecing the puzzle together. Although the kids were all much more curious with their suddenly older friend.

“How old are you now?” “What’s it like being taller?” “Is it weird seeing the tops of our heads?” All three of them were talking over one another trying to get their questions answered first. Sporti looked at each of them in bewilderment, he never thought they could look so… Young, vulnerable, fragile. It was making him dizzy. He had to crouch down to be the same height as Robbie, who was the tallest of the bunch.

“You guys are so short.” He muttered under his breath, everyone’s laughter was interrupted by Stephanie clearing her throat and pointing to a trail of red and orange leaves leaving the park.

“My common sense says we should follow that trail to find the bush.” The others nodded and followed suite as she set off around the wall, racing ahead of them. The search party of sorts wound their way around town till they reached the outskirts, where a large billboard with red wooled sheep painted grazing sat, that was where the trail ended.

“IMPOSSIBLE.” Pixel shouted in disbelief, “My calculations say that we should have reached the culprit by now!” He shuffled around trying to find the continuing trail, his husband, Ziggy, and Stephanie followed his example, going around the base of the billboard to come up at the other end.

“AHA! I knew it! The trail continues here and goes into that silo!” He exclaimed, satisfied with his results, he moved back to let the rest of the group get a closer look. Stephanie precariously opened the hatch and peered over the edge, and shuddered slightly at the steep drop and darkness. Though that was the way they had to go, for the path of fallen leaves continued downward until you could not see them.

“I’ll go down by myself, I scream if I need help.” Sporti said carefully lowering himself onto a previously unseen ladder. His friends all put their dizzyingly small hands on his arm as a comforting gesture.

“Don’t die.” Bessie said bluntly, but sweeter and worried undertones were apparent as the rest of the townsfolk nodded to share the sentiment. Sporti smiled at his friends and jumped down into the foreboding darkness.

He slipped and glided down a surprisingly fun slope until he came to a near crash in some form of underground house. The air down there was incredibly humid, the walls dripping with moisture, he could almost here his shoes squeak against the metal floors. Following his instincts, he maneuvered his way around the dimly lit cavern.

A slight glint of light brought his attention to a strange umbrella shaped contraption. Bringing himself closer to examine it, a small tag was lazily taped on it’s handle. 

“Ager-Upper 2000…” He muttered under his breath, still not sure how safe he was in there. This has got to be what I’m looking for… he thought, picking up the fishing rod machine, knocking down a small bottle of ink to the floor, a loud grunt came from a previously unnoticed chair. Sporti froze and glanced over in that direction, watching a tallish figure stand, red and orange leaves sticking in all directions. Is… That the bush Pixel was talking about?

The bush in question angled itself towards him and rubbed sleep from it’s eyes. Do bushes have eyes? Anyhow, the leaf creature noticed him and in a very feminine voice, cried;

“What the FUCK” and lunged towards him. “You’re not supposed to be here! Give me that machine!” It attempted to wrench the mechanism from his hands, but with surprising strength, Sporti held on, initiating a tug-of-war between himself and this sentient bush monster. Their cat fight need up with them on some sort of cat walk, ironic right? Anyway, with one mighty tug, the Ager-Upper 2000 was ripped from the bush’s hands, Did bushes have hands? Sending the strange creature over the edge of a railing and crashing on the grey floor. Groaning the whole time.

“That’s what you get!” He cried, fixing his attention back to why he came down here, he turned the machine over ran his hands looking for any indication on how it worked. A knob on the fishing rod part with a dial that read several different ages was a big help. He twisted it to nine and lifted it above his head. I hope this works

He pulled the almost unnoticeable trigger and a weird feeling beam shot down and shrunk his body, clothes several sizes too big pooling around him as he became once again familiar with the distance from the ground. Looking at the bush still lying on the floor, he pondered over wether he should help them up or not, but the sound of snoring answered that question for him. Making his way back to the tube he shot out of initially, and started climbing up. Slowly but surely.

The second he poked his now young again head above ground, Stephanie lifted him out of the hole and removed the machine from his hands. Snapping it over her knee, she and all of the rest of the townsfolk gave him a big hug. 

“Now! Who wants to forget this whole ordeal and have a picnic?”

“ME!”


	3. Chapter 3: Smokes Are For Losers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a pretty boring day in Lazytown, a villain gives a boy a really bad habit.

Everybody was busy doing something today. Sporti was busy training with Stephanie, who was busy training him, Robbie and Pixel were building some complex thing that hurt his head just to think of their explanation, Bessie was having a “Spa Day” by herself, and Mayor Stingy was out of town on very important business. 

Milford wandered around town looking for something to do, but there wasn’t much, all of their gardens were all maintained and he didn’t know any games to play by himself. He groaned and kicked a pebble away from him in frustration, hands in pockets as he meandered about. He settled with going to the quieter part of town just to read. 

Sitting down with his book, Searching For The Country, Milford took a breath of fresh air, and promptly started coughing. A foul smell had infiltrated the air, coming from somewhere nearby, he set out to find the source.

And so he did, it wasn’t really hard, there was a small trail of what looked like smoke rising from behind the pear tree.

“Oh my, is the tree on fire!?” He asked himself, quickening his pace to see what was going on. Running quickly to see the issue, he turned the tree and slammed into someone. Milford picked himself off the ground and looked at who he ran into, and lo and behold, it was the town villain. “Trixie Trouble?!” He shouted in the same way they did after every failed plan. The villain in question rolled her eyes and resumed what she was doing before she was so rudely interrupted.

“Scram kid, it’s my day off.” Lifting her hands to her lips, she clicked a small device and lit a small stick of what looked like paper on fire, drawing a long breath and releasing a plume of the smoke he saw earlier.

“How are you doing that?! Is that paper stuff magic that turns you into a dragon?!” He asked, settling himself next to Trixie, who groaned after another inhale of smoke. Some of it came out of her nose and Milford’s eyes lit up. “That is so cool!”

“Yeah yeah, it’s real cool. Totally, a lot of people think it’s calming, myself included. Now, go play with your dumb friends or something.”

“Everyone’s busy, can I just “hang” with you today?”

“No.”

“Even if I promise to be quiet?”

“Ugh, fine, but no talking and no sports.” Milford almost answered with a “Yes ma’m!” but held his tongue, and sat down against the tree. For twenty minutes they just sat there in silence, Trixie doing the weird dragon thing with that paper and Milford sitting quietly and reading. After a while, he looked up to see the town’s villain tossing the paper to her feet and stomping it out. She then pulled another out of a small pack and went to light that one.

“Can I try the dragon sticks?” It was a good guess he thought, they were sticks that made you look like a dragon, Trixie snickered a bit and rolled her eyes. She pulled the pack back out and took one out, handing it to him with her little lighter. “Sure kid. Knock yourself out.” It took him a few tries, but eventually he got the lighter to start, and mimicked what he saw Trixie do earlier. Milford took a long drag of air, and coughed for three minutes straight afterwards.

“I didn’t mean it literally. Take smaller breaths.” She instructed, and he did so. The smoke tasted foul and with every drag he expelled it as fast as possible, it looked really cool though, he even got it to come out his nose, to his delight. The Dragon Stick burnt down to a nub and he mimicked what he saw Trixie do earlier and threw the end to the ground to crush it underfoot.

“Heh, learn fast don’t cha?” He shrugged and shyly held his hand out for another, the villain chuckled and pulled out the pack and placed the whole thing in his hand. “Take it kid, I’ve got more at home.” and she handed him her spare lighter, one with a little cartoon dog with and umbrella printed on the side. He took the items and stashed them in his pocket, Milford smiled at the villain and gave her a quick hug before running off to his house. Today was pizza night.

———————

“MILFORD MEANSWELL!” He jumped, dropping his cigarette in alarm. He learned the actual name from Trixie of course. He turned to face the voice’s owner, the pink clad town hero stood about ten feet away from him with her arms crossed. A clear look of disappointment on her face. “What is that!?” Stephanie pointed accusingly at the smoking piece of paper.

“It’s a cigarette! Wanna try it?” 

“Of course not! Where did you even get that?”

“OH! Trixie gives them to me, the shops in town won’t sell them to me because I’m too young!” He really liked chatting with Stephanie, even if she seemed a little exasperated by his last comment.

“Haven’t they taught you about cigarettes in school yet?” When he shook his head she sighed and held her hand out palm up for the offensive drug. After she discarded it in a nearby bin, Milford got a brief but thorough explanation on tobacco and drugs. “So, you said Trixie gives you these?” 

“Yes, she does, she smokes a lot of them too.” Stephanie clicked her tongue and sighed again. She escorted the young boy to his house and explained to his mother the situation, and Milford would be kept under intense watch until his mother could get her hands on a good supply of nicorette. The town hero flipped her way out of town to the totally unsuspicious billboard they were all so fond of. She knocked rapidly on the hatch and tapped her foot until it opened to reveal a very tired Trixie.

“What do you want Candy-Floss?” Steph scoffed at the nickname, and held out the cartoon lighter with a cocked eyebrow.

“I found an eight year old using this today, he says it belongs to you.” Trixie’s eye grew and she slapped it out of Stephanie’s hand.

“What lighter?” Stephanie was glaring at her now, and she realized now was definitely not the time to joke around. “Yeah yeah, what about it? He was being ignored and wanted to try it!”

“THAT DOES NOT EXCUSE GIVING A CHILD AN ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCE!” She bursted, flailing her arms about angrily, without noticing the villain flinch at the sudden movement. “YOU GAVE HIM A CIGARETTE! THOSE GIVE PEOPLE CANCER TRIXIE! HE’S EIGHT! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” She was downright screaming, completely out of patience that day, from the start where Robbie and Bessie were fighting again, and Ziggy got stuck in another taffy explosion, to the fact that her R.V’s shower konked out on her right after that incident so she still had taffy in her hair. Needless to say, she didn’t even realize she was taking out her frustrations on the villain.

It took her quite a while to calm down and by then, the sky had dimmed sufficiently and Trixie had stopped looking startled and looked more and more bored. 

“I get it, I made a dumbass decision. I’ll pay for the nicorette or whatever other anti addiction things that crazy woman will buy. But I’m really tired and need both a smoke and a coffee.” 

“Trixie?”  
“Oh my god what is it now?”

“When did you start smoking? It sounds like you’ve done it quite a while now.” Trixie huffed and started climbing down the hatch again. Stephanie guessed that meant their conversation was over and was about to start cartwheeling away, but then the villain’s voice rose up again.

“You coming? I’ll make you coffee or whatever hippies drink, you sounded stressed for your ten minute rant there.” She smiled a bit before going and climbing down into Trixie’s lair. They drank coffee and water respectively, and Trixie explained how when she was a teenager going to college, how a large group of who she thought were her friends convinced her to start smoking. So she did and didn’t have any connections or support to help her quit the habit, and now she was running on five years of smoking.

“If you’d like, I could help you with the addiction. I studied a bit on nicotine addiction when I was training to be a hero.” Trixie smiled over her cup of joe and looked her in the eye.

“I’d like that very much.”


End file.
